who told no lies,

And got this lovely volume for a prize.

The Upper School had combed and oiled their hair,

And all the Parents of the Boys were there.

In words that ring like thunder through the Hall,

Draw tears from some and loud applause from all,—

The Pedagogue, with Pardonable Joy,

Bestows the Gift upon the Radiant Boy:

"Accept the Noblest Work produced as yet "

(Says he) "upon the English Alphabet;

"Next term I shall examine you, to find

"If you have read it thoroughly. So mind!"

And while the Boys and Parents cheered so loud,

That out of doors a large and anxious crowd

Had gathered and was blocking up the street,

The admirable child resumed his seat.

Learn from this justly irritating Youth,

To brush your Hair and Teeth and tell the Truth.

When Bears are seen Approaching in the distance,

Make up your mind at once between Retreat and Armed Resistance.

A Gentleman remained to fight—With what result for him?

The Bear, with ill-concealed delight, Devoured him, Limb by Limb.

Another Person turned and ran; He ran extremely hard:

The Bear was faster than the Man, And beat him by a yard.

Decisive action in the hour of need

Denotes the Hero, but does not succeed.

when the Cobra bites,

An Indian Judge, the Judge spends restless nights.

This creature, though disgusting and appalling,

Conveys no kind of Moral worth recalling.

The early world observed with awe

His back, indented like a saw.

His look was gay, his voice was strong;

His tail was neither short nor long;

His trunk, or elongated nose,

Was not so large as some suppose;

His teeth, as all the world allows,

Were graminivorous, like a cow's.

He therefore should have wished to pass

Long peaceful nights upon the Grass,

But being mad the brute preferred

To roost in branches, like a bird.

(We have good reason to suppose

He did so, from his claw-like toes.)

A creature heavier than a whale,

You see at once, could hardly fail

To suffer badly when he slid

And tumbled (as he always did).

His fossil, therefore, comes to light

All broken up: and serve him right.

If you were born to walk the ground,

Remain there; do not fool around.

The Moral of this verse

Is applicable to the Young. Be terse.

taking a walk

In Arcadia Terrace, no doubt:

The parents indulge in intelligent talk,

While the children they gambol about.

At a quarter-past six they return to their tea,

Of a kind that would hardly be tempting to me,

Though my appetite passes belief.

There is jam, Ginger Beer, Buttered Toast, Marmalade,

With a Cold Leg of Mutton and Warm Lemonade,

And a large Pigeon Pie very skillfully made

To consist almost wholly of Beef.

A Respectable Family taking the air

Is a subject on which I could dwell;

It contains all the morals that ever there were,

And it sets an example as well.

whose weapons of Defence

Are long, sharp, curling Horns, and Common-sense.

To these he adds a Name so short and strong,

That even Hardy Boers pronounce it wrong.

How often on a bright Autumnal day

The Pious people of Pretoria say,

"Come, let us hunt the—" Then no more is heard

But Sounds of Strong Men struggling with a word.

Meanwhile, the distant Gnu with grateful eyes

Observes his opportunity, and flies.

Child, if you have a rummy kind of name,

Remember to be thankful for the same.

who rode to the meet,

And talked of the Pads of the fox as his "feet"—

An error which furnished subscribers with grounds

For refusing to make him a Master of Hounds.

He gave way thereupon to so fearful a rage,

That he sold up his Stable and went on the Stage,

And had all the success that a man could desire

In creating the Part of

In the Learned Professions, a person should know

The advantage of having two strings to his bow.

justly called "The Poor,"

He has to eat his Dinner off the floor.

The Moral these delightful lines afford

Is: "Living cheaply is its own reward."

who thought it immaterial

To pay his taxes, Local or Imperial.

In vain the Mother wept, the Wife implored,

James only yawned as though a trifle bored.

The Tax Collector called again, but he

Was met with Persiflage and Repartee.

When James was hauled before the learned Judge,

Who lectured him, he loudly whispered, "Fudge!"

The Judge was startled from his usual calm,

He struck the desk before him with his palm,

And roared in tones to make the boldest quail,

"J stands for James, It also stands for JAIL."

And therefore, on a dark and dreadful day,

Policemen came and took him all away.

The fate of James is typical, and shows

How little mercy people can expect

Who will not pay their taxes; (saving those

To which they conscientiously object.)

a Country of Gold,

Where the winters are often excessively cold;

Where the lawn every morning is covered with rime,

And skating continues for years at a time.

Do you think that a Climate can conquer the grit

Of the Sons of the West? Not a bit! Not a bit!

When the weather looks nippy, the bold Pioneers

Put on two pairs of Stockings and cover their ears,

And roam through the drear Hyperborean dales

With a vast apparatus of Buckets and Pails;

Or wander through wild Hyperborean glades

With Hoes, Hammers, Pickaxes, Matlocks and Spades.

There are some who give rise to exuberant mirth

By turning up nothing but bushels of earth,

While those who have little cause excellent fun

By attempting to pilfer from those who have none.

At times the reward they will get for their pains

Is to strike very tempting auriferous veins;

Or, a shaft being sunk for some miles in the ground,

Not infrequently nuggets of value are found.

They bring us the gold when their labours are ended,

And we—after thanking them prettily—spend it.

Just you work for Humanity, never you mind

If Humanity seems to have left you behind.

Advancing in Age,

Who drove in her carriage and six,

With a Couple of Footmen a Coachman and Page,

Who were all of them regular bricks.

If the Coach ran away, or was smashed by a Dray,

Or got into collisions and blocks,

The Page, with a courtesy rare for his years,

Would leap to the ground with inspiriting cheers,

While the Footman allayed her legitimate fears,

And the Coachman sat tight on his box.

At night as they met round an excellent meal,

They would take it in turn to observe:

"What a Lady indeed! . . . what a presence to feel! . . ."

"What a Woman to worship and serve! . . ."

But, perhaps, the most poignant of all their delights

Was to stand in a rapturous Dream

When she spoke to them kindly on Saturday Nights,

And said "They deserved her Esteem."

Now observe the Reward of these dutiful lives:

At the end of their Loyal Career

They each had a Lodge at the end of the drives,

And she left them a Hundred a Year.

Remember from this to be properly vexed

When the newspaper editors say,

That "The type of society shown in the Text

"Is rapidly passing away."

who sat at Table,

And ate like this—

as long as he was able;

At half-past twelve the waiters turned him out:

He lived impoverished and died of gout.

Disgusting exhibition! Have a care

When, later on, you are a Millionaire,

To rise from table feeling you could still

Take something more, and not be really ill.

Maria's younger brother,

Who, walking one way, chose to gaze the other.

In Blandford Square—a crowded part of town—

Two People on a tandem knocked him down;

Whereat a Motor Car, with warning shout,

Ran right on top and turned him inside out:

The damages that he obtained from these

Maintained him all his life in cultured ease.

The law protects you. Go your gentle way:

The Other Man has always got to Pay.

Hail! salubrious seat

Of learning! Academical Retreat!

Home of my Middle Age! Malarial Spot

Which People call Medeeval (though it's not).

The marshes in the neighbourhood can vie

With Cambridge, but the town itself is dry,

And serves to make a kind of Fold or Pen

Wherein to herd a lot of Learned Men.

Were I to write but half of what they know,

It would exhaust the space reserved for "O";

And, as my book must not be over big,

I turn at once to "P," which stands for Pig.

Be taught by this to speak with moderation

Of places where, with decent application,

One gets a good, sound, middle-class education.

as I remarked before,

A second cousin to the Huge Wild Boar.

But Pigs are civilized, while Huge Wild Boars

Live savagely, at random, out of doors,

And, in their coarse contempt for dainty foods,

Subsist on Truffles, which they find in woods.

Not so the cultivated Pig, who feels

The need of several courses at his meals,

But wrongly thinks it does not matter whether

He takes them one by one or all together.

Hence, Pigs devour, from lack of self-respect,

What Epicures would certainly reject.

Learn from the Pig to take whatever Fate

Or Elder Persons heap upon your plate.

which children take

With Jam and little bits of cake.

How idiotic! Can Quinine

Replace Cold Baths and Sound Hygiene?

reviewing my book,

At which he had barely intended to look;

But the very first lines upon "A" were enough

To convince him the Verses were excellent stuff.

So he wrote, without stopping, for several days

In terms of extreme, but well-merited Praise.

To quote but one Passage: "No Person" (says he),

"Will be really content without purchasing three,

"While a Parent will send for a dozen or more,

"And strew them about on the Nursery Floor.

"The Versification might call for some strictures

"Were it not for its singular wit; while the Pictures,

"Tho' the handling of line is a little defective,

"Make up amply in verve what they lack in perspective."

The habit of constantly telling the Truth

Will lend an additional lustre to Youth.

who, though he be the least,

Is not an uninstructive Horned Beast.

His eyes are on his Horns, and when you shout

Or tickle them, the Horns go in and out.

Had Providence seen proper to endow

The furious Unicorn or sober Cow

With such a gift the one would never now

Appear so commonplace on Coats of Arms.

And what a fortune for our failing farms

If circus managers, with wealth untold,

Would take the Cows for half their weight in gold '

Learn from the Snail to take reproof with patience,

And not put out your Horns on all occasions.

who resides

In Peckham, where he writes Italian Guides.

Learn from this information not to cavil

At slight mistakes in books on foreign travel.

that casts a blight

On those that pull their sisters' hair, and fight.

But oh! the Good! They wander undismayed,

And (as the Subtle Artist has portrayed)

Dispend the golden hours at play beneath its shade.

(A friend of mine, a Botanist, believes

That Good can even browse upon its leaves,

I doubt it . . . .)

Dear Reader, if you chance to catch a sight

Of Upas Trees, betake yourself to flight.

for the unobtrusive volunteer,

Who fills the Armies of the World with fear.

Seek with the Volunteer to put aside

The empty Pomp of Military Pride.

The WATERBEETLE here shall teach

A sermon far beyond your reach:

He flabbergasts the Human Race

By gliding on the water's face

With ease, celerity, and grace;

But if he ever stopped to think

Of how he did it, he would sink.

These verses teach a clever child to find

Excuse for doing all that he's inclined.

(it would have stood for Yak,

But that I wrote about him two years back).

Youth is the pleasant springtime of our days,

As Dante so mellifluously says

(Who always speaks of Youth with proper praise).

You have not got to Youth, but when you do

You'll find what He and I have said is true.

Youth's excellence should teach the Modern Wit

First to be Young, and then to boast of it.

who (like all Zebus)

Is held divine by scrupulous Hindoos.

(Von Kettner writes it "Zebu"; Wurst "Zebu";

I split the difference and use the two.

Idolatry, as you are well aware,

Is highly reprehensible. But there,

We needn't bother,—when we get to Z

Our interest in the Alphabet is dead.